The Armoury Officer's Fear of The Pollen Count
by Exploded Pen
Summary: Trip, he whispered. Little green gremlins are trying to take me away! Malcolms allergies turn out to be a blessing in disguise...for all of 5 minutes...


**000 Disclaimer is that I unfortunately do not own Malcolm or anyone for that matter… 000 Here is a one-shot piece inspired by the Divine Comedy's 'The Pop-Singers Fear of the Pollen Count' It involved few people and for the first time ever in any of my stories includes footnotes! (Two to be exact!) So read it, and just enjoy the madness…000**

Malcolm eyed the local fauna suspiciously. He had never liked flowers; indeed flowers had been responsible for an appalling meeting with the girl of his dreams. 1

He shook himself back to the present praying that the shot Phlox had given him would hold. It just wouldn't do to be seen sneezing on duty, so just to be on the safe side he'd got various hankies in different pockets.

Trip flashed him a grin as they stepped out the shuttle pod.

"Pretty ain't it?" he said conversationally.

"Not really." Malcolm checked the phase pistol was still in its holster as he scanned the surrounding area.

Trip eyed him suspiciously. "What do you think we'll need that for? Not everyone is out to kill us ya know."

"99.9percent of people I meet express an urge to kill me at some point or another," said Malcolm knocking a particularly vibrant flower, sending a burst of pollen on his trousers. He brushed his uniform down irritably, trying to not to breathe any in as he did so.

"I've never said I wanted to kill ya," said Trip grinning as he followed him.

"Yes you have. On numerous occasions," said Malcolm shrugging. "If I were a more paranoid man I'd be concerned."

Trip laughed and peered over his shoulder at the scanner.

"Anything?" Archer asked donning his sunglasses.

"I can't get a reading," Malcolm said looking up. "Something in the atmosphere is interfering with our scanners. Either that or this one is malfunctioning."

He turned it on himself and realised the scanner was definitely broken. Otherwise he'd been dead for a while and just failed to notice.

Malcolm had the sudden urge to giggle but managed to restrain himself. The urge passed quickly but it left him a little disturbed.

"Just one second sir," said Malcolm ducking back inside the shuttlepod. He rooted around for another scanner and eventually found it lurking in one of the overhead compartments.

However just as his hand closed around it he heard Archer's voice.

"Hello, we don't want to harm you…"

There was a muffled cry and Malcolm shot towards the door drawing his phase pistol. There were at least 30 extremely angry looking natives, carrying large spears, and no sign of Archer or Trip.

Malcolm hesitated as the scene seemed to blur ahead of him. During that hesitation the natives left as silently as they had arrived, dragging Archer and Trip with them.

Two were left behind, they strode towards the shuttlepod, and Malcolm retreated back inside but tripped over his own feet. Hearing the crash the two men raced inside and Malcolm stunned them both.

It didn't have the desired effect.

They let out an enraged war cry and raised their spears. A lesser man would have needed fresh underwear at this point but not Malcolm. With the cool calm of James Bond himself Malcolm just shot them again.

This time they hit the ground, but not before one threw a spear. It ripped through Malcolm's arm causing him to hiss in pain. He gripped his arm tight in a futile effort to stop the pain and scooted a little closer to the natives.

They were out for the count. Or at least they hadn't suddenly sat up and tried to kill him, this Malcolm considered a big plus. His arm throbbed unmercifully but he set to tying up the natives just in case they did decide to wake up before he was ready for them.

He unsteadily got to his feet and thought about his next move. It seemed harder to concentrate and he had the sudden urge to giggle again. Then it occurred to him to try and contact Enterprise.

"Why didn't I think of that before?" he asked himself aloud.

He immediately moved to open a comm. link.

"Reed to Enterprise."

No response.

"Reed to Enterprise. Come in Enterprise."

There was just the crackle of static and he cursed in frustration. He weighed up his next move. He could run off guns blazing and try and save the day, but judging how long it actually took to take these people down that sounded more like suicide.

And despite all popular thinking Malcolm was fond of living. Besides, it went against all his survival instincts to die.

One of the Natives stirred but Malcolm failed to notice this as he fiddled with the controls.

"C'mon Malcolm," he muttered to himself.

The Native suddenly screamed when he heard Malcolm's name. Malcolm's heart was pounding as he whipped round. The man looked terrified. Malcolm quickly flicked through what he'd just said.

"C'mon?" he tried.

The man stared at him.

"Malcolm?"

The Native screamed again. He screamed like Malcolm's sister had done when he'd stolen her Barbie doll. 2 Malcolm gave into the urge to giggle.

"Malcolm," he repeated pointing to himself. This time the native literally tried to wriggle out of Malcolm's eye line.

"Malcolm! Malcolm!" he moaned fearfully.

Malcolm giggled again and hunted round for the Universal Translator.

"Speak," he said holding it out. "C'mon…"

The Native squeezed his eyes tight shut and began rocking backwards and forwards. He mumbled something over and over. Malcolm waited patiently for the Translator to work.

"Please Gods, take me from this raging disease," the native mumbled over and over.

"Malcolm," said Malcolm hopefully. It came out the translator as "Plague Carrier".

Malcolm paused. "Ok, so my name means 'Plague Carrier'. That's just……great."

He stood up and patted the native on the head, an idea forming in his mind. He shoved the phase pistol back in its holster and retrieved the scanner. He cautiously stepped out the shuttlepod.

He felt a familiar tickle in the back of his throat and sneezed. The scene blurred alarmingly and he fell onto the flowers, landing on his injured arm. He staggered back to his feet now sneezing like there was no tomorrow and clutching his arm in agony.

His eyes started streaming and he fumbled for a hanky from one of his pockets. This just wasn't fair. Still, at least it meant he wouldn't have to fake having a disease when the time came. He chewed his bottom lip thoughtfully and brought out the scanner. He wiped at his eyes furiously and realised that there were human lifesigns close by.

Well, fairly close by. He stumbled forward and managed to stop himself from giggling again. He almost managed to muster concern about his constant urge to giggle but then gave up as he made his way towards the lifesigns.

000

Archer came around slowly, his head throbbing painfully. His brain suddenly fast-forwarded the events that lead him to his current predicament.

"Trip!"

"I'm here Cap'n," said Trip helping him to sit up.

Archer blinked in the brilliant sunlight and realised they were in a wooden cage.

"No sign of Malcolm," Trip whispered.

"How long have I been out?" Archer asked sighing.

"Not long, I woke up as they were throwin' us in here," Trip told him, leaning back against the cage wall.

"MALCOLM!"

The village suddenly erupted into chaos and the natives guarding the door (who had more muscles than anyone was allowed to have) started crying.

Archer and Trip looked at each other in amazement and stood up trying to see what all the commotion was about.

Malcolm staggered into the village, eyes streaming, his face puffy and sneezing almost constantly.

"MALCOLM!" He yelled again, trying to see where Archer and Trip were through blurry eyes.

"What the hell is he doing?" Trip asked amazed.

"Whatever it is they don't like it," said Archer loudly, trying to make his voice heard above the noise.

Malcolm stumbled over to them and the guards made a hasty retreat. He fumbled with the door before finally managing to prise it open, releasing them.

"Malcolm, what's going on?" Archer asked concerned. "Are you alright?"

Malcolm just sneezed in response and Trip suddenly noticed the lack of screams coming from the natives.

"I suggest we leave. Now."

They grabbed hold of Malcolm and legged it back to the shuttlepod; the natives followed a little way behind them throwing spears at them at seemingly every second. Malcolm called out directions every so often in between sneezing fits.

Malcolm felt one of the spears only just pass over his head and increased his pace. The shuttlepod was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen as they rounded a corner.

They dived inside and pushed the two previously captured natives out. Trip hurriedly closed the hatch and Archer slid into the pilot's chair. Malcolm just lay on the floor giggling. He just gave into the madness once and for all.

"Malcolm, you alright?" Trip asked worriedly.

Malcolm couldn't do anything but sneeze for a few seconds. He didn't have to do anything now and was almost enjoying the uplifting feeling of having a good giggle.

He giggled hysterically and sneezed again.

"Hey Trip!" he said thickly. "I sneezed and giggled! I gneezed!"

Trip gave him a nervous smile. "That's great Mal."

Malcolm suddenly stopped giggling and looked decidedly nervous.

"Trip," he whispered. "Little green gremlins are trying to take me away!"

And with that, the hero of the hour slipped into unconsciousness leaving Trip and Archer both confused and concerned.

000

Malcolm opened his eyes to find Phlox staring right back at him. It was disconcerting to say the least. He also had a sore throat and a killer headache. His arm hurt too.

Malcolm was so busy concentrating on what hurt and what didn't that he lost track of what Phlox was saying to him. He figured this wasn't like him but he didn't have the energy to be worried.

He giggled again.

"So, Lieutenant," Phlox continued smiling. "You'll be here for a few days till that pollen works its way out your system."

Malcolm giggled hysterically.

"Well, at least one of us is happy," Trip muttered darkly from the next biobed.

"It'll only be for a few days," said Archer in monotone. "Just to be on the 'safe' side."

It turned out that the pollen from the local fauna had been affecting them all. It just got to Malcolm quicker because he had an open wound. It didn't really do much except make them slightly gigglier than usual. That and cause strange hallucinations, but Trip and Archer didn't have enough pollen in their systems for them to hallucinate. Malcolm did though and he frowned at Phlox and said:

"Do you know there's a gremlin on your head?"

"Are you sure you're giving him enough medication?" Trip asked alarmed. "He's worse than he was on the planet and he wasn't exactly playing with a full deck of cards then either!"

"I assure you Mr Reed is in excellent hands," said Phlox dismissively. "He'll be fine soon."

"Did you know Malcolm means 'Plague Carrier'?" Malcolm asked brightly. "That's why they ran away from me; they thought I was a disease."

He sighed and sneezed.

"I always knew my name was good for something," he mumbled closing his eyes.

000

1 Bethany McKee, blonde haired, blue eyed, slim build. Malcolm had loved her with all the love he could muster. Being in two separate forms seemed destined to separate them. She was in 7Sa, he was in 7Hj, and the odds of them meeting were as likely as osmosis in potatoes suddenly becoming interesting. Unfortunately, when they finally did meet in Year Seven Biology they were studying plants. Namely flowers. After being sneezed on several times and having a glob of snot land on her school jumper, Bethany had been less than amused. It was a doomed relationship.

2 In his defence though Barbie had never been in much danger. Sure her modelling days were now over but he'd always intended to return it. He just figured that that particular Barbie didn't have much to live for anyway after the haircut Maddie had just given it. She didn't have to scream so much anyway, all he did was throw her out a tree to test if his homemade parachute worked.

**000 Please review! 000**


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